Over the last few years, there has been a huge boom in what is called “wellness” culture. Celebrities are talking about self-care and going to therapy. Taking care of oneself is no longer seen as a selfish act. At least, not in the way that the media portrays it. That’s to say, self-care and wellness has become synonomous with skin care lines and the latest juice trend.

Of course, it’s nice to spend time pampering yourself with new products and putting healthy things into your body, but somewhere the lines got crossed where self-care simply meant “buy things”. And when we look at self-care this way, it becomes a luxury for the priveleged instead of a necessity for all.

There is a phrase I find myself using often: “you can’t pour from an empty cup”, which essentially means, if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have any energy to care for someone else. We must chose ourselves first, always, in order to have the capacity to help others.

The truth is, the concept of “self-care” as seen in mainstream media is approached in the simplest of terms. Buy this thing, start this diet, do this workout, and you will feel better about yourself. But its almost the exact opposite of that. The work that needs to be done is first and foremost, internal. Tools and products can be helpful, but chosing yourself over and over again has to be the priority.

Look at it this way, if you were to join a gym and buy the latest matching work out set, and then go to the food store and buy all the non-GMO organic fresh produce, and have a medicine cabinet filled with protein powders and vitamins and a hundred dollar skin care routine, would any of that matter if you don’t believe you deserve to be happy? If you’re going to the gym because you hate your body, if you’re buying produce but let it go stale in your fridge, if every time you’re washing your face you’re focusing on your uneven skin or bags under your eyes, won’t you be that much more tempted to buy the next thing hoping things will change?

We must first do the internal work. We must say that we are worthy of the things that we want. We must decide that we want to exercise because we want energy and strong muscles that will prolong our health. We must chose foods we enjoy and have the time to cook, finding a healthy relationship with food and our bodies. We must acknowledge when we need rest or when it’s more beneficial to push ourselves toward the things we may not be totally stoked for, but will make us feel better in the long run.

Self-care and wellness aren’t about looks or even physical improvement at all. It’s about chosing the things that serve you, and setting aside the things that don’t. Learning to say no to friends and family when you don’t have the energy for something. Learning to forgive yourself for your mistakes. Understanding the ways in which your mind works and learning to be kind to yourself. And sometimes that can look like a long bubble bath with fancy face masks or motivating yourself into a workout with a new outfit, but we must put our mental health first before we can use materials to aid in our journey.

Try this exercise: Write down things in your life that bring you happiness. Next, write down the things that drain you. Think of the times that you wished you’d done things differently (i.e. stayed home and rested instead of staying out late with frineds, or vice versa!) Then, think of times you chose yourself and how you felt after. It may be that you felt guilty; the internal voice of shame told you you were selfish for doing something for yourself instead of someone else. Work on quieting that voice. It gets easier with each step. Think of the ways in which you cope with stress or sadness and decide whether these things harm or help you. Asking yourself these questions will make it easier next time you’re faced with the feeling of needing a little TLC.

In a way, it’s a blessing to see self-care like this. It makes it something accesible for all. It is much more complicated than a quick fix with the swipe of a credit card, but once you see self-love and improvement as a lifelong journey toward welllness, you will appreciate it that much more.